So, after a couple of inconsistent attempts to come back to this blog I’ve decided to give it another go.
In the past I’ve found myself a bit lost in terms of how to evolve it from what it was before I had Harry (i.e. when I had a lot more time to myself, time I spent obsessing about what my new winter coat would be or exploring the magic a new face cream or a brow re-shape might offer me). Having a baby initially changed my perspective on pretty much everything and I found myself for probably a period of around a year, completely floundering in my attempts to get back to myself. I’ve also now come to the conclusion that seriously who actually cares if I have different things to talk about now – it’s probably only my mom who reads this anyway haha.
So, post baby I had nothing that fitted me for a start, and a limited budget. My wardrobe became more about clothing my nakedness than the avenue of self expression it had been before and I felt pretty lost trying to find my taste again. My hormones (or lack thereof post birth) had changed the skin and hair I had gotten to know and learned how to look after over the years, so that was like starting again as a clumsy teenager too. My response to these identity adjustments initially was to just sigh and give up, like “you’re a mum now, clothes and makeup are silly things to be thinking about and you don’t have time to keep up with new music and books and culture…” That seems a pretty harsh full stop on the person I was now I look back on it, but maybe it was my way of coping with the bomb going off in your life that is the transition from young and carefree to feeling 100 years old through lack of sleep and finding yourself a responsible human for small living thing.
So, when I did try to come back to the blog it was after quite a break and I would find I had so much I wanted to talk about and still very little time to articulate myself. I didn’t really enjoy it because I felt like I had little time to blurt it all out and no chance of being consistent, and of course I never was so I abandoned it and took the link off my social thinking I would just draw a line under things. Well, I’m now on maternity leave with one week to go until my due date and too much time to think about things and it just seems to me that the following things now apply;
- It doesn’t really matter if anyone else reads this. It’s a journal for me, something I can look back on or refer to later on to see where I’ve been compared to where I’m at. It also doesn’t matter if people read this who might poke fun at me, I would hope people who think they’re above this kind of thing would have better things to do than waste time reading my ramblings.
- It’s a place for me to share my thoughts on things, which in itself is cathartic but if anyone else does read it they may find something they can relate to or even something useful (potty training tips anyone?)
- It’s okay to have the odd break in posting content – I’m not a magazine, I’m certainly not a celebrity or expert in any particular field with an audience hanging on my every word so what do I have to lose?
So, I am back now. In more ways than one. I have rediscovered myself, albeit minus some of the braver things from my pre-motherhood wardrobe (batty riders with full stocking + suspender and bustier for a Saturday night on the tiles seemed tame at the time, the nights out and the outfits are safely retired now) and I think I just about know how to make myself look and feel like me. I’m starting to feel curious about the world again, but I couldn’t say I’m as up to speed as I was before and that’s okay, because now I’m also elbow deep in trying to help one baby grow up a bit before a second arrives; there will be content around potty training, big boy beds and ridding the household of dummies coming up.
I think it’s fair comment that for many mothers to be, on your first time round you feel a bit like the only woman ever to have been pregnant and have a baby and it’s equal parts magical and overwhelming, but I’m kind of past that now. I’m settled in to being that very average thing: a woman in her 30’s with a toddler and a baby on the way. I feel like I know myself a bit better now and I like to think I have some aspects of this parenting and life lark cracked…plus plenty of others that I don’t, and I guess that will make for future post content.
So erm yeah, hi – my name is Lola and I’ve got a grown up life, plus a really nice husband who gave me a toddler, a bun in the oven and the (temporarily) outta control thighs that come with that; LIFE.